Isn't there a spray for that?

Frances woke up several times during the night last week, crying and crying. Often she was inconsolable. A few times I was able to calm her down enough so that she could tell me what the trouble was: once she had a bad dream about monsters, but more often she just woke up and it was dark and she thought about monsters and scared herself.

All of the kids went through a monster phase. (Well, not Jesse, he can't even say "monster" yet. Some day!) With each girl, I think we've gotten better at the reassuring bit. With Emma, our first-born (also known as our "practice child"), I told her that there were no monsters here because they all moved to California. As if a 2-year-old knows what California is! Not long after that, John and I celebrated our 5-year anniversary with a trip to California....I had to think of a better monster story.

So I started spraying Emma's room with "monster spray". Every night, before bedtime, Emma and I would spray water from a little spray bottle labelled "Monster Spray". We'd spray under her bed and in the closet, all around the room. She didn't feel safe until we sprayed, but it worked and she stopped worrying about monsters. But only if we sprayed.

The monster spray worked so well with Leah, our second-born, that we never needed to think of any other stories to reassure her. I've used the spray only a few times with our third-born Frances, and so I mistakenly thought we were past that phase. Unfortunately, she's been thinking about monsters again and thus the frantic middle-of-the-night awakenings.

I understand those panic attacks very well. That is what happened to me after my initial diagnosis. There was a span of 2 weeks (16 days, actually) between when I learned I had cancer and when I met with the oncologist to discuss treatment. Every night during that time, I would be sleeping so well only to awaken suddenly and remember "OH!". Actually, it's more like "AAACK!"....it hits you in the stomach and your heart feels like it's stopped. You feel a little sick as you suddenly are wide awake remembering "I HAVE CANCER!"

It is not fun. Those "AAACK" moments hit me several times during the night and quite often in the middle of the day. They didn't stop until I finally met with the oncologist, had a treatment plan, and knew what we had to do to get rid of this disease.

The "AAACK" moments never completely stopped, but their severity did. Every now and then I'd think, "Wow, I really have cancer" but it didn't take my breath away. I dealt with it just fine, I think. I was busy and treatment was going well. After treatment ended, though, they started up again. I just never felt safe.

Even now, after a recurrence and a surgery that has removed all of my breast tissue, I still wonder if the cancer is going to come back. There are places it could go if it felt so compelled. It doesn't wake me up in the middle of the night, but it does creep into my thoughts on occasion. Like when my hip or back hurts. It's not a strong "AAACK" anymore, it's more like a "HUNHH".

Even though I had a bunch of scans before my mastectomy, and they all said that there was no cancer anywhere else, I still wonder if it's hiding in the closet like the girls' monsters. And then I think about how great it would be to have some reassurance, very much like the kind I gave the girls to calm their monster fears.

Maybe that's what I need, someone to reassure me: No Katie, don't worry, your cancer is NOT coming back. There's no such thing as cancer. Besides, all the cancers moved to California.

And then we'd take out the bottle labelled "Cancer Spray" and give it a couple of spritzes for good measure. Boy, would that feel so good!

(P.S. My girls want to know what's in the "Monster Spray" bottle. They've asked me about it every time I use it. They've never seen me refill the bottle....I always tell them it's a secret recipe that I'll give them when they're mommies. Til then, I have to create the monster spray by myself, in private. I still think the spray was a brilliant solution, and it worked wonders in calming their fears. Do you think I should just change the label to read "Cancer Spray" and try it out?)